A Quick How-To Lesson for Boston Drivers

On a recent afternoon commute, I began mentally writing an instruction booklet for Boston drivers. When I (finally) arrived home, I posted on Facebook that I was writing said imaginary book, and asked for suggestions. I’ll share them with you here, but what I really want to know is: what’s the title of the chapter you’re contributing to this fine piece of literature? Any driving habits in your area that drive you crazy? Odd to think that just a year and a half ago, my biggest driving

These are tractors. They like to pull large equipment behind them and drive really slow on the highway. Usually when I'm in a hurry.

These are tractors. They like to pull large equipment behind them and drive really slow on the highway. Usually when I’m in a hurry.

pet peeve was when I got stuck behind a tractor (that’s an actual farm tractor,

not a tractor-trailer, for the record) and couldn’t pass.

Here’s the post (edited to remove comments that were not chapter titles):

AS: Mentally writing an instruction book for Boston drivers. Working title: “How to merge without bringing two lanes of traffic to a standstill.” Chapter 1: “Get out of the right lane, Moron!”

CW: Chapter 2 “Did you just use your baby and stroller as a battle ram against oncoming traffic?! I’m calling CPS.”

DP: Chapter 3: “That little lever on the left is called the Turn Signal. Use it.”

AS: Chapter 4: “When merging, it’s helpful to leave space between your car and the car in front. Two rows of cars side-by-side in a single lane, or ‘Merge Chicken,’ tends to slow the process.”

CW: Chapter 5: “The Clustah Fack that is a Red Sawks Game”

AS: Chapter 6: “Stop honking at me! I realize the light just turned green, but until the eight cars in front of me move, I’ll be staying right here!”

CW: Chapter 7 – “How to Triangulate Any Location Using Dunkin’ Donuts: A Map of All MA Dunkin’ Donuts Past and Present”

AS: Chapter 8: Lanes. Are an actual Thing, not a bunch of paint someone spilled all over every single road.

This is my car. As you can see, it's huge, so I use it as a weapon against crazy Boston drivers. They do not mess with me.

This is my car. As you can see, it’s huge, so I use it as a weapon against crazy Boston drivers. They do not mess with me.

ML: Chapter 9: You can’t use a blowup doll as your passenger for the carpool lane.

CW: Chapter 9 **Addendum** – There are exceptions made for MA’s more revolting neighbors. If you are caught with a blow up doll in the carpool lane, just tell the officers you are in a “Rhode Island Marriage” and they will charge you with only violating decency and not violating the sanctity of the carpool lane.

AS: Chapter 10: If a vehicle with flashing lights and siren is behind you, pull over and let it pass.

KW: Chapter 11 – If you are going to pull out in front of someone like a bat out of hell, you better keep on driving like a bat out of hell and not slow down once you get in front of them

Lastly, a new book idea!

CW: Public Transit Handbook “Chapter 1 – Your Backpack is Not A Weapon, Poles Should Be Shared So Don’t Lean On Them, and COVER YOUR F*CKING MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH: Steps On How to Avoid Getting Murdered on the Way to Work.

Could be just me, but I think CW wins the comment section here (no, I am not CW, but I’m flattered you’d think so). What chapters would you add? Any thoughts on topics for the Public Transit Handbook?

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6 thoughts on “A Quick How-To Lesson for Boston Drivers

  1. I went to college up around Boston. Here is an actual conversation I had in class with one of my friends, who grew up in the area.
    The scene: we just watched a film clip about daily life in Moscow (Russian majors, we were indeed) and apparently Muscovites pretty much only use lines on the road as suggestions, and very loose suggestions at that. In the discussion afterwards…
    Professor: So as you can see, if you do end up in Moscow…try not to have to drive there!
    Friend: That was really crazy!
    Professor: Yup. Driving in Moscow is like a game of chance.
    Friend: I’ve never seen anything like that! How can people just think it’s OK to drive so not-safely?
    Me: Ummmm…what? I’ve been in the car with you when you drove on the sidewalk.
    Friend: (exasperated sigh) Yesssss, but! That guy in front of me was in my way.
    ~~~~end scene~~~~

    • Oh, my. That does sound about right, though. Waiting on a narrow street for a car to turn left yesterday, several of us were passed on the right by a car – up on the sidewalk, and nearly took out a bus stop full of people. So he could drive two car lengths farther, and sit in traffic some more. Sigh.

  2. I am rolling with laughter. I know I have NO right to complain, whatsoever, about Idaho traffic, but we see many of these behaviors as well (chapter 3 and 4 are ones I frequently scream about). The only other thing I would add is not so much of a traffic issue, but “Chapter 88: Just because you smoke, your child doesn’t necessarily want to. Roll down at least one window, you ****** idiot!”

    LOL! Thanks for the giggle…

    • But you can relate to the tractor issue, no? And the school buses. Gah! 😉
      I haven’t seen any “merge chicken” in Idaho like it is in Boston. Cars literally driving side-by side in one lane because neither driver will give. So frustrating – it slows everyone down! Generally, to a complete stop. Just merge already.
      I heard that Oregon’s senate passed a bill this week which would ban smoking in cars with children inside. That could get interesting.

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